Rebuilding a mystery
Rebuilding a mystery, but why does it have to be. When I was a kid I made up stories about my real dad, giving him fancy and elusive jobs. It wasn’t till I was 18 when I first met him that I realized I duped myself, he’s just an asshole that never wanted to be a father or take responsibility. I found after my own years had crept up, that the man I call my father did everything, and a little extra. My pride and love grew once I was able to understand the sacrifices he made in, while experiencing them myself.
I knew that I wanted something different; there was little I connected to. Team sports felt awkward, going home was tough, stress, and uneasiness followed me there. I spent a lot of time alone once I got my license, even before then I would disappear on a bike to the hills, rivers and lakes I grew up around; on again off again relationships lent not much for my heart and soul. I took to the bike and the places it took me. I became an emotional being without knowing the proper language that it speaks. I had always feared of falling deeply in love, then not having it reiterated or having it taken away from me. I don’t know where this fear started but just now at 35 I’m beginning to understand it. I’ve always wanted a family and those that I have stuck next to and imbedded roots have a tight family connection, I would force myself into situations to make myself to become the man I want to be.
I got into some unhealthy habits, landed up on the wrong side of cop cars, bar fights, and broken hearts. When I left my hometown I was searching more of “who” I am instead of what do I want to do. I’m a strong talented guy and getting into positions where easy, but they never allowed me to expand beyond a point. I wanted to develop with someone, not take away but add, learn, love and grow. I never fought with anyone more than myself, I wrestled the ideas, thoughts, fears and notions that I’m not worth shit and beat myself up inside and out. I have always wanted to be a good man. A man of quality and character, sometimes that character takes over. Of all the things I hold dearest, the one of being a husband and father is my highest. It’s hard to understand, but these are what drove me on the divide, the idea of accomplishing something for my family and friends. I’ve never had too many close friends. Because, just like in a relationship the closeness show the imperfections. Alone on a ride or dealing with theses strong emotions, I feel them below my skin, wrapped around bones and muscle I try to find places for them, give them the space and depth they need to make me be that man, I try to conquer them before I return to those I love.
I think that’s a big fear, our imperfections revealed, it’s also what love is, I love my girlfriends imperfections, I love my friends imperfections. I’m a flawed man, but I’m not ok with it, I want to better it, sometimes giving it the language it needs proves the absolute most difficult. I believe that is why I have always ridden, and why since I moved I allowed it to take over my life. Because it is healthy, it’s steady and it’s also silent. The silence lends itself to the beauty of what we do; giving credence to the endeavor and the effort it takes to do our sport. It is different for everyone but the tones are the same.
It has also damaged me; I’ve allowed myself to continue the silence while riding. I’ve seen the growth in the woman I love becoming involved in the sport. The purity of it, the imperfections, the flaws, then the love and gratitude. It is a love, a life spent on the hills, breathing deeply and seating your eyes over the horizons. This is also the longest address I’ve had since I lived with my parents while in school. It has allowed me to become a whole, to delve into that mythos within myself, give light and life to those fears and inadequacies. It’s a phenomenal feeling to overcome a fear, to continue to find a deeper love with another, to use gratitude as fuel instead of anger. I’m more accustomed to fears of a life or death matter, not internal fearful issues, I haven’t acquired the wiring to sometimes handle it, although the light transcends thought, everything is tinted with a shade of gold, but it also causes strife. I have never had a more genuine feeling in my life as love, and this love I share with her. She has allowed me to grow, sputter, but continue to aspire. Sometimes its fearful, but only because of the sheer magnitude of it.
I’m a physical being, if you’re in arms reach I can touch you, I can allow my hands to show you how I love, appreciate, and need you. The untangling of emotion that lead to them sometimes gets miss directed. Riding, loving, the toughness and grit have all come from being a physical man, but realizing you’re so much more than a body. All these feelings housed inside my frame have always known effort, I want them to go home, a home we created, one I’ve never had till now. A place of love, a foundation for dreams. To give a language for this huge amount of love and gratitude that I have for my girlfriend, this life, the friends, the rides and places we go. To shed that armor over things that don’t need to be protected.
My girlfriend is a beautiful woman, but the first time I saw her, I knew my life was never going to be the same, from that day forward every thought, actions and effort was going to have a different meaning. It wasn’t her beauty that caught me, it was the emotional intelligence in her eyes that grabbed me, although our lustful attraction continues to this day, and has only become fuller. I knew she possessed all that I had been missing and all that I wanted, I knew the pain would be immense the profit would far outweigh the effort, the Jonny P on the other side has changed, no longer fueled by the fear, but maintaining a healthy chip, but by having this amazing love with her, with my friends, in our home and on our rides. I’ve become more than a character, more than the total of my stories, not a myth or statue. But a man who knows loves and desperately understands it. And shouldn’t that be it? To know love, friendship, gratitude, faith? A life spent with all of these is a life lived and shared.
I get turned around in the turmoil, this new found way to speak is awkward at first, but to see the smile on her face, and the lightness in their eyes makes it all worthwhile, we should continue to evolve until we die, even then disappear with a love in our eyes.